Yes, i have to admit that my attitude towards studies has never changed. i thought the gap yr would gave me the new perspective on studies. but as i bounce back to studies again, i became the same old me again. The jovial and enthusiastic and chatty me when i was working just being replaced with the pessimistic, anxious me. i became just a useless piece of shit, troubling my good friends around me. i know to some, they do not like it at all. i am sorry.
When i bumped into my ex colleagues last week in a wedding dinner, the jovial and chatty me just bounce back. no matter what help was requested by my ex colleague, i was ever ready to help them. i just cant understand why i cannot be like this in studies.
Mum was telling me if i really cannot adapt to it, no point forcing myself as perhaps i just might not have what it takes to be studying in university.
but am i really pushing myself really hard?
i just feel that when i am working, i have only myself to be accountable for. But when i study, i feel different. i just feel there are so many people not to let down. esp my parents who has been working hard to provide for all three of us to study. it is because they work hard, it just push me to work harder and be a good student as this will be good way to repay them for now.
I know myself best. the person that i portray at work is of total opposite when i was in studies. let's give next sem a chance for me to change and be a better person as a student. i know i am a better person without studies. the main problem now is to change when i am taking the role of student.
To the angels whom appeared in my tough time in sem 1, i can never thank God enough for you guys because certainly you guys are angels placed in this phase of my life, to make me a stronger and better person. I thought i would be all alone in uni but in my darkest moment and to my surprise, these angels just appear to accompany me. i promise you guys i will strive to be a better person and not let down ur previous effort and faith in me. some people might be nasty to me, but it is you guys who has been patient on me and never gave up on me.
Through this journey, i witnessed God's little miracles in my life as a student. All these jerky journeys, i believe God has sent angels to remind me that He is sovereign. Two special person to thank for, you know who you are angels:) be it if i graduate from uni or not, i am very sure there is this Lord reigning above us after going through this darkest times. i believe God put me through this with this purpose.
It is torturous if we have no purpose in life. hopefully i find my purpose soon.
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