Regrets

My 6 months stinct as a senior management secretary (Tender Board B - PSC) had ended about a year ago, however many things had happened in the past 6 months which I felt that I had not really moved on.

From the outside, many could only see that I was well rewarded and recognised for the good job done for the past 6 months. Only the sacrifices nd regrets still linger in me to this date.

Firstly, I would like to thank Ka Shing and his family for putting me up at their place as I needed a quiet environment to work on the secretary works. My family has been very supportive too.

Just a week before I took on my role as the secretary, I had this funny incident where a guava seed stucked in my back wisdom tooth. no matter how much I flossed or toothpick the tooth, the seed just would not come out. Ka Shing had to bring me to his nearest clinic Q&M dental surgery on 30 July 2018 to have the seed taken out by the dentist. Decided to do washing and polishing thereafter. total cost - 98.40SGD.

There was one incident where I was working till 3am on an early Sunday morning - 19 August 2018. Suddenly I felt my right foot had a weird sensation. I looked down and saw my right foot had swollen. It was the worst swell I'd ever had and I had the fear of losing my big toe as it had turned purplish. I had to wake Ka Shing up from his sleep to seek his help. We managed to find a 24 hours clinic at Serangoon  (life link 24 hours) and he drove me there. This was when I realized 24 hours clinic in Singapore is quite sparse. I didn't want to go to TTSH A&E as I feared the long wait. Total cost - SGD 126.

Slightly just into weeks of my term, my siblings told me that ah ma suddenly couldn't walk on her own and was showing signs of forgetting the people around her. Her condition deteriorated significantly over the months, she was getting weaker and refusing to eat much. It slowly got to the point whereby medical attention was required but she was still refusing to be admitted to the hospital as she feared that she wouldn't make it out. It was in December, that I told my parents to engage her family doctor to pay a visit to our house and check on our ah ma. The moment checked on her, he told us to admit her to hospital immediately as she had UTI.

Little did we know the UTI was so serious. Thank goodness she was treated in time and she stayed in the hospital for one month. She must be in a lot of pain. I was really happy when she got discharged in Jan this year. We even had a great reunion dinner together end of Jan. It was the first time we saw ah ma happily joined us to have steamboat together, she was eating a lot and also putting food in the steamboat. In my 29 years, she had never joined us at the steamboat table. Little did we know it would be the last time she would be having steamboat together with us. I will never forget the beautiful memories we had that day. Shortly one week later, she got admitted to the hospital because of intestine blood. She never recovered :( She passed away peacefully on 9 Feb peacefully under the presence of my siblings.

I had this deep regret because I promised to bring her out for her favorite noodle after my secretary term. I should not have asked her to wait when she made her request to me. Perhaps she knew it might be her last request. The ignorant me thought she could wait for me to finish my appointment and bring her out. I still couldn't forgive myself for that.

2019 has not been a very good year. I just wish it can be over soon.